Pressing Matters of a Sound Mind

Claire was finally ours. The frantic fray of hospital procedures and protocol were gone. We were home and it was finally quiet and we were left to our own devices, Melissa, Claire, and I. Now what? Time to start life's newest chapter. It was all surreal up to this point, Melissa being pregnant, going to the hospital, going through labor together, it was like we were "playing house". It was then I came to realize that our lives had changed forever. A barrage of questions suddenly hit me between the feelings of elation of having created new life and feelings of helplessness of being an inexperienced new father... Will I be a good dad? What does it mean to be a father? How do I raise a child? Will I be able to live up to her expectations of what it means to be a father? Will I be able to protect my family from harm, will I able to adequately provide for my family. Will I know what to do with her, will I be too much-or not enough-like my own father? These types of questions may not have any answer, baby probably won't give much feedback for a while, about how I am doing as a father: no smiles, no laughing, not much response in any way at all. It's very easy to take a baby's lack of enthusiasm as some kind of referendum on one's worth as a dad, and we are constrained to do our best in spite of whether or not it's acknowledged.

I have discovered a new and different kind of love. There's no comparing the all-consuming love for one's child with the love for any other person. Learning to master a baby's cues and meet her needs, the baby will learn to love you--and to express that love in the most amazing ways. The first time that a baby coos or hugs you or falls asleep in your arms brings a new sense of fulfillment and love. Maurice Sendak may have captured the feeling better than any other writer in a scene from Where the Wild Things Are where the monsters plead with Max not to leave them: "Please don't go," they say. "We'll eat you up we love you so."

I've also developed a deeper appreciation for womanhood and the beauty of motherhood. After watching Melissa go through months of discomfort, illness, fatigue and not being able to look the way she wants or wear what she wants for being so pregnant all culminating in an excruciating labor makes me wonder who really is the "weaker sex", all during the which I was helpless to relieve her pain. The unique bond between a mother and her child unknown to any man is one which is only developed by immense sacrifice. I will be forever grateful to Melissa for what she suffered to bring our beautiful daughter in to the world.